I have always been a little impatient with people and their kids. How they think everything the little darlings do is genius. I'm not a huge fan of other people's kids. I have to know them and form some sort of attachment before you will see me playing on the floor with them. And along came my niece and nephew and another niece after that. I fell for them hard and before I knew it I was playing "princess pocahontas" and "attack of the dinosaurs" like a fool. See above. Little Ben and I were in the middle of intense animal games. I got to spend a few days with these little guys a few weeks ago. Loved every dramatic minute:) 

Only these little ones could get me out into this snowstorm to play. 

Happy Birthday Avery! I hope when you are older you will appreciate how Grandma and I almost died driving through 7 hours of blizzard to make it for your special day! 

Doesn't she have the best hugs?

 And the best surprise face?

 This was my favorite. Ben and I were having an intense conversation about...Cheetahs? ... Monsters? No...  MY HOUSE. I love it. I want to hear all about their interests and their lives but I'm so surprised at how curious they are about my interests and my life. They ask me questions all the time. Read him a story and Ben will ask if I have that book at my house. Eat some food and Avery will ask if I eat it where I live. In this riveting conversation Ben wanted to know what my bed was like, what kind of food I had, and when he could come and visit. Anytime little love! Anytime! He also wondered if we could get a little bed for him at my house. Avery wanted to know why I didn't have a husband. I'll let that slide since she's 4 but there is only so long I can justify my life choices to a 4 year old. 

 And then, when we were done with that... we took to the cake

 With single minded devotion

With matching looks of concentration. Maybe it runs in the family...

So I'm trying to figure out this blogging thing and the thing is... It's harder than I thought. Before I was like "YEAH! Just throw some stuff around and move some stuff here and upload a whole bunch of photos and all done!" No one I talked to about this mentioned that I would need a degree in graphic design or perhaps 1-2 years in photoshop school.  I always sort of figured I was half computer savvy. Not a complete idiot but not near genius either. Give me a few minutes I could prod around and generally figure things out. Turns out that I could have been wrong about this my entire life. It seems that the entire world and their dog has been blogging with ease and here I am struggling to figure out where the header is in my page. That bad. I didn't even think about the technical side of this already daunting venture. I was just worried about the writing part. But here I am... an hour in of "prodding around" and I am stuck with "wallpaper" on my page that is just unacceptable. That isn't even the worst part. The worst part is the big obnoxious advertisements on the top of my page now... HOT BLIGGITY BLOG!!! Did you catch that? How could anyone miss it? I feel like that little emblem is going to explode into little tiny square dancers and take over my page.  No free wallpaper download is worth that humiliation. I don't know how to get rid of it. Sinking my face into my hands in despair hasn't helped so if anyone out there has suggestions I would appreciate it. There are only so many desperate phone calls I can make to little sisters, in the middle of the night,  to ask mundane questions about blogging. The last time I had to ask my little sister such a question she told me to first go to my "dashboard page" and I had to google it. I HAD TO GOOGLE IT! Now come on. I once had a pair of underpants drop out of my jacket at early morning RELIGION CLASS when I was 15...there on the floor for everyone to see, and the shame of this is still on par with that. What will your little siblings ever look up to you for when you have to ask them something like that? So the point is... I'm struggling with this. 

I'm also struggling with regularity in case you haven't noticed. The blogging kind. 3 weeks between posts is not a good sign me thinks. I am fighting this with everything I've got. I can find a million things to do to not write for my blog. Cleaning AND working out have both suddenly taken priority in life. That would be a good thing if they weren't used for an avoidance technique. I do think it's getting better though... Now I look at things and occasionally I think "hey that would be good to post on my blog". And then I don't post it. But the point is I'm thinking of posting it. 

Ugh. Pray for me. 

I didn't mean to publish the last one yet! How do I do corrections and then re-publish? Leah? Kate? Help!  Dagnabit... Stupid blogging.

I was just reading an article about this woman's most gorgeous travels. There was the sea and the sand and oozing papayas and brilliant limes and avocado smeared onto bread and red bikinis and hammocks and everything else that I hope is in heaven or I don't want to go there. I don't even want to post a link to her blissful vacation because I'm too jealous and childish. Oh alright... here it is. 

I experienced a tidal wave of envy that hasn't happened since I met a girl in Rome who, over a cappucinno, informed me that she had won a grant to travel around Europe and - get this - "observe and write about the behavior of people traveling around Europe". Ha Ha... "Isn't that wild?" she beamed. She was actually sitting there and getting paid to have a coffee with me under a Roman arch, in what had become my most favorite city in the world. I had a week left on my trip and about $27 in my bank account and was trying to figure out if one could subsist on water and gelato only for the remainder of my time. I was also trying to figure out what crazy Dr. Seuss land this girl came from where they handed out party favors of such magnitude. I mean seriously...

But back to the point. The point being that I am very jealous. So jealous that I'm still scowling and have just finished looking up last minute flight deals to anywhere with a beach or a colluseum. This is one of the blessings and burdens of being unemployed.  On the one hand, I'm pretty much free to take off whenever I want and see the world! On the other hand I can pretty much spend all my money to take off and see the world with no prospect of any gainful employment for when I come back and o my gosh I can't buy food!  I have thought about this dilema a lot and the travel keeps winning out. I can't help it. I feel the most beautiful weight of the world when I travel. I don't know how else to describe it. All I know is that when I step off a train or a plane into a land I have only seen in photos, I have to bite my lip to keep the tears from taking over. Sometimes I don't even try to stop them. It's a spiritual thing. Not everywhere provokes this reaction mind you. The feeling varies but that awe is always there a little.  But no where will put me over the edge more than a land with thousands of years of history that is still in plain site. Ruins, castles, cobblestone stairways and marble sculptures will get me every time. When I stood at Isabella's bedroom window at the Segovian Castle in Spain, all I could think was that this is where she took refuge just before she was made Queen. The King had died and the crown was in question and in this very room she probably paced. And how many countless times since had she stood at that window? I am the first to admit my imagination does get going:) 

 A few months ago I caught a clip of the movie The Motorcycle Diaries. I have never seen the whole movie but now I would really like to. The scene I caught on t.v. was perfect. The main character was looking out over Machu Piccu, the lost city of the Incas. I had just been there and he said something that described my thoughts perfectly when I had stood looking at the same crumbling city. "How can I feel nostalgia for a world I never knew?"

And oh the tears came. I mean who writes this stuff and can I marry them? 

Anyway I'm looking forward to my next trip. I don't know when and I don't know where but hopefully someday I... oh wait. I am going to Mexico in April. OK, so I know when and where. It doesn't have quite the same pull as Italy but I'll take it. 

Until next time... 

I don't know what to say here. Really. Do I need an introduction if the only people reading this are the ones I know? And do I want the ones I don't know to really know anything about me..? 

That said...I'll try for one. 

No wait I can't...damnit. 

OK here it goes. I HATE blogs. I hate the cheesiness, the self-centeredness, and most of all I hate how most of them are just a recurring nightmare that is called the christmas newsletter. except every day. with photos. And about a million more words. Don't even get me started on the so called "mommy blogs". 

So you are probably wondering why I am here posting things on what is known as a BLOG. There are two answers to that question. The first is that my most amazing younger sister Leah, (who is in a lot of ways older and more mature than I am) explained to me in simple terms that just because there are a certain people who give a tool a bad name doesn't mean I should throw that tool out when it is so useful. Or something like that. I'm paraphrasing. I'm pretty sure her version was more eloquent but you get the idea. I was having a bit of a rant and she was on the receiving end, listening patiently while I explained just how stupid 90% of the blogs out there are. And how it's the most saturated voice out there. And how I don't want to be one of them but that I don't know what kind of blog I want to be and If I don't know what kind of blog I want to be,  how can I define myself and If I can't define myself, how can I even consider writing about myself?? .... and if I'm writing about myself how do I express myself perfectly and...! Well. embarrassingly I went on like that for some time. She herself has a most adorable blog; one of the only ones that I love. But I still ranted on. She is a good listener. 

The other reason is that I have a dreadful fear of people reading what I write. The kind of fear that makes me cringe at the thought of you reading this right now. I'm developing an anxiety rash as we speak. Which is somewhat ironic because someday, somehow I would hope to be a writer. You know... the kind that gets paid to write books. In order to get paid to write books someday I am pretty sure that I have to be able to allow people to read those books. So.... I'm hoping this blog will help me get over this fear in a hurry. I am single and cynical and going through what I can only describe as the most major early midlife crisis ever. Some months ago in a combination of misery and exhalation, I quit my job, left the life I knew and became a housewife. Except I have no husband.  This didn't stop me. I left and didn't look back and now it is months later and I have only just realized that the housewife  thing often only works if there is another person to the story who supports the one who is going through the crisis. I would go out and get another half but that would mean that I would have to get married or something similar and who wants that? 

 I am hoping that this writing will help me focus. I'm hoping it will help me through this enormous earthquake of change that I have instigated for no reason other than I needed to find a life that made me happy. I am hoping that anyone out there who is striving to make a similar change will read this and know they are not alone and will send me an email explaining the secret to life. I have some pretty significant struggles so if I'm feeling brave I will delve into those as well. What you will not be seeing here are posts about thrifty ways to makeover your house, adorable photos of babies, or darling entries on how to whip up a pie or two. It just won't happen any time soon.

So here I am... standing at the cusp of enormous change and you get to be the audience for when I plummet off the edge! Horah for you!